Familiar places, familial faces and multiple harmoniously co-existent races, it is my homeland and the land of my birth which I have now arrived in. The comfort of a house that still carries the warmth of my childhood, the irreplaceable flavours and scents flow as a testament to centuries of cultural, culinary and fragrance exchanges and are inseparable and key to my identity.
“Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.”- Anthony Bourdaine
A fast, a feast and realisations that could have knocked me off my feet in obviousness, I learn to appreciate where I’ve come from; even when I question where I fully and truly belong (geographically), I remain grateful for the hunger that this land has bestowed upon me, it had starved me from the circumstances to question and thus seek answers, it had generated the curiosity that lead to my ability to seize the opportunity that I currently find myself in. The same land has nourished me and given me the tools and power to delve deep into the life long journey of own sense of existence and own sense of belonging, it had taught me to be appreciative of all blessings and thankful for dodging the curses, it had taught me to see the metaphorical silver lining, as the skies are literally mostly cloudless and clear, irrespective of season and timing. I now see that exploring my own agency has been influenced by my social interactions which have resulted in my curiosity of who I may be, or the possibilities of who I may want to be, outside of my foundational social ring.
The discomfort to confront the chains of an illusive sense of security to save my fragile sanity overcomes me. I fear creating a permanently changeless and colourless reality for myself, I feel the desire for uncertainty arising within me, I soak in the anxieties of leaving the state of daily routine which I have subconsciously lead myself into, I hear the rattling of my rib cage as my heart manically collides against it in anticipation of change.
I am torn between my selfish escapist desires to keep on moving and my genetic predisposition to being a social being relying on a social scaffolding consisting of elders, family members and friends. I also feel the reality of my extended absence in my social circle’s conceptualisation of who I am and using it to define what I am.
I am still the me that you once knew, with a little more to contribute and share, and a whole lot more love and appreciation for you.